Maybe an apology to start?

Ok so I said I was going to update this more frequently and I really did have every intention too, but it seemed that something came up everytime I wanted to sit down and type. Shitty excuse I know, but I really have been up against it. The bad news, is that this will probably be kept pretty short also because I have a few things I have to do this arvo, but I know you will forgive me Jack. Go on, say you forgive me. I can’t get through the day without it

Ok, so you know about the fact that I had the car crash and you know that I had a few days of uber bitch boss, but the rest of my life has been pretty quiet. I feel so boring but its true. Erm, Oh I have a new found love for Cinnamon Grahams. Seriously. Why havent I had these cerial induced orgasms before? Ok, so I dont love them that much but still. They are now one of my 100 favourite things.

My new flat is pecking my head. Its a lot smaller than I am used too. It isnt a small flat, but I have loads of stuff and between Jay and I, we have enough stuff for a 3 bedroom house so we are already thinking of upgrading to something bigger. Not a big house, just something with a few more rooms in. I spent yesterday rearranging the furniture trying to make more space and make it feel more homely and it now looks pretty awesome, but I deserve bigger. A mansion maybe? Ha. We have just spent over £2500 on our holiday so a bigger house will have to wait.

Right for now my little ray of sunshine, I am going to have to leave it. Make sure you behave, I shall report back soon.

Ry

Operation Eve Myles

Perhaps I shouldnt have given up on wordpress so quickly. Perhaps I was right too. Either way, here I am, writing some garbage for the sake of writing something. No point, no plot, no cause to promote, just typing, letting the words come out. I think this is the first time I have ever written a blog on here, that wasnt first published elsewhere, then copied and pasted. I think that maybe I am only writing this for Jack. God knows why I would do that, but it seems like the only logical reason for writing anything at all. He is, after all, the only person I know who comes and reads anything on here that I happen to write.

I feel he is having one of those weeks where he needs cheering up. I feel like perhaps I should start writing to him instead of about him as he will no doubt be the only one to read it….

Jack, I think you need cheering up. A little part of me thinks that you always need cheering up. That sounded kinda bitchy, but I mean, you like to keep cheered. Perhaps I should have written want instead of need. Who cares. This is my blog, shut up telling me what to write, will you! god you are so demanding sometimes. I’m trying my bloody best!

Jack, Jack, Jack. I know what will cheer you up. What about if I promise to start updating this thing again. Just for you. Like your own personal magazine. Perhaps in weekly installments. Every Sunday at eight or something. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe there will be hundreds of people turning up every sunday wanting their installment too. How does that sound? Perhaps you can then fill me in on the stuff I have missed over the last month or so.

Anyways, that is enough of my rambling. It may not even get read. Perhaps sinse your last post you hacked into government files and now you are on the run under an alias and you can never come back on here for fear of being tracked, and my cheering up idea will have no relevence to you now that your life is all about wigs and code names. Ooh code names. The planning and execution of my weekly Jack column should have a code name. I am thinking Operation Eve Myles.

It’s a go go!!!

P.s you now have your own tag on here, thats like winning the lottery or something else equally fun and exciting.

This Episode Of Ryan O Is Brought To You In Technicolour

Happy New Year

Well to start, I just want to say that I hope everyone had a brilliant christmas and new year. I didnt get to blog for over a week, but I am back for 2010 and now you are all stuck with me again.

My trip home for christmas was great. I got to catch up with lots of old friends and family and it was nice to relax away from the city life and smelly Gav. I had a pretty sober christmas this year, which I didnt mind so much, but it was still loads of fun. I wont bore everyone with the boring details, so a summery is that I went away, caught up with my mates, had christmas dinner, spent time with my mates, came home.

Every year, we usually play a charity rugby match on christmas day for a local chidrens hospital, but because my arm is still in a cast, (can I get a collective awwwww, please) I had to watch from the sidelines which annoyed me muchly. If I dont have to work next christmas day then I will deffinately be playing. It’s the first christmas day game I have missed in seven years.

I cannot begin to describe how much I am missing Jay. Circumstances slapped me in the face this week. As I mentioned before, the day before I was due to come back, Jay was due to be going away himself for a few days. Something came up for him though and so he had to push it back a day, and go on the day I was coming back. We were texting while I was on the train and he said that his train had been delayed, and so he would be in the station when I arrived, and for the first time in nearly two weeks we would get to see each other, if only for a few minutes which got me all kinds of excited.

It was then though that fate decided to start playing games and for some reason, my train came to a complete stop. I was sitting there willing it to move for what seemed like forever, and I knew then that I probably would miss him. As I arrived at the station my train pulled in right next to his and we could see each other through the window for a few seconds before he pulled away. I was absolutely gutted. A few minutes earlier and I could have at least gotten a kiss or a hug or something. I had a face like a slapped arse all the way home. Jay is coming back a day earlier now and so tomorrow I will finally get to see him again. I swear to god he wont be able to get me off him. I have missed him like crazy.

My New Year’s Eve was a bit random. It was a great night, but I kept losing everyone. I sunk down nearly a whole bottle of Jack Daniels before going out and by midnight I was totally wasted. My friend Tom and I were going around and interviewing potential dates for our friend Wez. It seemed like such an awesome idea at the time, but we were probably very obnoxious to some of them. We did get him a New Year’s snog though, so it wasnt a total loss. I ended my night phoning Jay and whining drunkenly down the phone about how much I was missing him before going home and watching lebian porn with my flatmate. It wasnt a sex thing, we were just looking for wied looking birds and laughing our heads off. I think she will turn straight after seeing some of the people we saw last night.

And so that brings me to today. Other than watching the second part of Doctor Who (which I have been waiting for for like a year,bye bye Tennant), today is just a mass of hours holding me back from seeing Jay tomorrow. 22 hours and counting.

On a different note I have told everyone that I am moving out at the end of the lease, or before if I can find somewhere. I will pay until the end of the lease because its just polite, but I will probably go before that. I cant take the mess and smells anymore and its making me hate my mates. Have to go back to work next week. I like having the time off, but I cant wait to get back into it all. I am staying our of harms way for the time being though. Need to heel the injuries I have before I aquire any new ones me thinks.

Anyways, this is me for now. I will update again on Sunday and let you know how everything went with Jay.

Ry

Five Gold Rings

Merry Christmas everyone.

I know it is a couple of days early, but I think this may be my last blog until after christmas. I am going to my mums for christmas, and sinse my laptop is broken and I am using someone else’s, and I dont get my new one until christmas day, there will probably be a few days silence from me. I’m sure everyone will be too busy to keep up anyways over the next week. I seriously can’t wait for Christmas now. Plenty to talk about though in the meantime.

I will start off talking about Jay. Friday night was our last night together now for a few weeks. He took me out for a meal in town and then we went for a few drinks, before going to the midnight screening of Avatar. It was a really good film and we got to watch it in 3D, but there was a fuck up with the screen (it wasnt shown on the right one) so we were given free tickets to go and see something else whenever we want, so it wasnt so bad. It was 3am by the time we were getting out of the cinema though and the snow was coming down heavy so I couldnt wait to get home to bed.

We didnt manage to stay awake for too long on friday night, but we got up early and spent all of yesterday together. It was really nice just chilling out and doing nothing. We have gotten to a really comfortable place where there is no awkward silences or need to keep each other entertained. We just sit there enjoying each others company and its really nice. I am genuinly happier than I have been in long time. When it came time to leave it was so hard. Knowing that I wont be seeing him again for 3 weeks (with the exception of a few hours tomorrow) is horrible. He has said that he is thinking of coming back a few days early from his trip away so that he can see me, which although is awesome and I totally want him too, I have told him that he doesnt have to and I dont expect it. I am secretly hoping that he does though.

Today will be spent mostly packing for my time away. I am so unorganised it is unreal. My mum will be getting a lot of laundry to do at this rate. I can’t wait to see all my old friends and family. It’s been so long since I have been home for a visit, so although I hate that I am leaving Jay, I am also excited about seeing everyone else, so it is balancing out I guess. The snow is coming down thick and fast. It looks set to be a white christmas this year which is awesome. My first one sinse 1988. We have a couple of inches where I am now so I have to hope it lasts for the next few days until christmas so I can go and play with my neices and nephews. They are my cover story for wanting to build a snowman and have snowball fights.

In the news this week, Gareth Thomas, the former Welsh Rugby captain has come out as gay. The papers are making quite a big deal out of it, and so they should. As far as I have read, nobody has criticized his decision, but many have knocked the papers for reporting it like it is a big deal. The fact is, it is a big deal. I have met Gareth many times, through rugby and through the fact that he and my mum live close to each other and we used to drink in the same pub. That’s not to say we are friends, but the odd bit of chit chat has occured, and I have to say that he is a very nice and charming man. The respect he gets from everyone is overwhelming and I dont think that will change now that he has revealed himself to be gay. The reason I think it is good that this news has been so widely reported, is that Gareth is the first openly gay Rugby Union player, to still be in the game. This is a positive move. I personally know of several players who are gay, both in the big leagues and in the smaller town clubs. People who will never come out because of the detrimental image that being gay brings to you in the eyes of straight, sporty stereotypes. I have spoken before about how I had to come out to my team mates, and it was a genuinly positive experience, but that isnt always going to be the case for people.

For someone of such high regard within the game, and a player who is so well known all over the world, I have a lot of respect for him to admit that he is gay. Opinions from fans will no doubt be divided, but one thing that won’t change is the fact that he is an amazingly talented player, and a well liked and respected man. With a bit of luck this revelation will open people’s eyes to the fact that not all gay people are airy fairy queens who hate sports and act like women. A stereotype all too common amongst people to ignorant to learn differently. What Gareth Thomas has done should be applauded. In coming out he has told thousands of people that it is ok to be gay, and that being gay doesnt define you. As he said, he is a rugby player first, and a gay man second. Hopefull his actions will inspire others to become honest with themselves and their team mates. The rugby world, and perhaps the world in general, could do with more positive role models like him.

On a personal note, the swelling on my nose has come down quite a lot and my black eyes are starting to look less scary. I need a haircut really badly. I am starting to look like Diana Ross. Think I will book myself in at the salon for tomorrow so that I can look good for the festive parties I will be attending

Other than that I don’t think I have anything else to report. so if I dont manage to get on here agin before christmas, I just want to wish everyone a very merry christmas, and a fab new year, and I will see you all on the other side.

Ryan

R’n'R

Hey guys,

Been a bit quiet on the blogging front lately. Sorry about that. I have been resting my arm mainly, but have been spending a lot of time with Jay as well and trying to get myself sorted for my trip over Christmas.

I’m still pretty bruised up at the moment, but I don’t feel as sore which is good. My black eyes seem to be getting worse before they get better, but the cuts and stuff are healing nicely. People keep asking me if they can sign the plaster on my wrist. It makes me laugh, I didnt think people did that outside of highschool. I feel like a nob anyways because it’s illuminous yellow plaster, so I figure a few autographs can’t hurt.

I spent most of the weekend with Jay. As I mentioned on saturday, he cancelled his trip away to look after me, so I stayed there friday night, then went back staurday night and stayed over again. That one was a last minute decision. I was going to just have a quiet night in but he asked me to go back over, and I was more than happy to do that. I came home Sunday night and I havent seen him sinse. Sad times. I do miss him when I dont see him, but I dont want to see too much of him incase we end up getting on each others nerves. Besides, I like that build up of not seeing him for a while and then how excited I am when I get to finally see him again. I am meeting him tonight from work and I can’t wait. We are heading for a meal in the Quays, and then off to see a film. Its becoming a bit of a Wednesday tradition now, and I like that.

We have booked tickets to see Avatar when it comes out on Friday. We have booked a midnight viewing and from what I understand, it is quite a long film, so hopefully I will stay awake. I will be staying with him for the night and then that is the last time I will be seeing him until the new year. That’s going to be a hard one, but between the phone and internet I guess I will at least be able to speak to him loads.

I have decided to move out of my house. I realise I am starting to hate the people I live with, and I dont want to ruin any friendships (except smelly Gav, who I couldnt give a shit about), so I have decided that I am going to just get my own place. There are some decent one bedroom apartments in the city centre for reasonable price so I figure now is as good a time as any to go it alone. I figure its the only way that I can save any sort of friendship with my housemates because I am at boiling point with them lately. Even with a broken wrist I am still expected to clean up after them and it is driving me insane.

I hate being boring, but there isnt much more to fill you in on. Ive just been mainly resting up and getting pampered by Jay. Ooh, Glee premiered in the UK last night. I have been waiting to watch this for months and have resisted all urge to check online, and it finally came on yesterday. I have to say, based on episode one, I am hooked. It was brilliant. It’s totally not the normal type of show I would watch. I like Scifi and action or comedy, but this show was brilliant. I was even singing along. The humour in it is great and the cast is brilliant. If you haven’t watched it, then you must. It cheered me up no end last night.

On that note guys, I am going to head off and attempt to make a bacon sandwhich. I havent really been cooking for myself since I did my hand in, but nobody is here today and I am starving so I have to try for myself with the dodgy hand. I should just say though that usually I am a fantastic cook. Anyhoo, if you dont hear from me by the weekend, assume I burned the house down and died smelling of smoky bacon.

Ry

Love Man

Wow, what a weekend so far.

As I said a couple of posts back, Jay has got me hooked onto all these new shows. Well because he was going away this weekend, and he knew I would be stuck in the house because of my injuries, he asked me to go meet him from work so that he could give me another boxset to see me through the weekend. I was only going to be seeing him for about 30 minutes but I figured it was worth it sinse I wouldnt be seeing him for FOUR WHOLE DAYS!!! :p

Anyways, so I drag myself through town to go meet him and when he got off the train he told me that he had cancelled his weekend away so that he could look after me. How nice is that? If I wasnt likely to break something else, I would have jumped on him right there on the platform. So he took me back to his, propped me up with pillows, cooked me dinner and just looked after me all night. I may as well have been in a full body cast, the fuss he was making. It was so lovely. We spent the night talking and giggling and just enjoying each other. It was perfect. He is an absolute angel.

Things seemed to progress further between us last night. In a good way. A really good way. It’s something that is so hard to put into words, but it felt like there were times when even though we werent speaking, it felt like a million words were being spoken between us. A realisation of feelings or something. Or affirmation. Thats a good word to sum it up I think. The evening was magical. I dont care how cheesy it sounds. If he carries on like this then I’m gunna put a ring on it. So to speak.

I stayed until about 5pm today and then I had to head home. Came into a war ground. Everyone arguing over Smelly Gav. I didnt stick around because I was in such a happy mood, so I went to run a bath and let them argue it out downstairs. I will find out what it was all over late on. Maybe add my few pennies in. For now though, I am in too good a mood to be mediating arguements.

Tomorrow I will be going back over to his for the afternoon. He says he has a few things planned and a big surprise for me. I love this feeling. The one where you just can’t get enough. I know this has been a particularly slushy post, but hey ho. There is enough bad stuff going on out there, so I am happy to share my happiness with you all.

Talking of ‘you all’ I just want to say a BIG thank you to everyone who has been wishing me well, and to everyone who keeps coming back and reading my randomness, and leaving their comments. Its nice to know that people are enjoying it. I was going to do some individual thanks yous on the comments section earlier, but my blgger was acting like a lesbian and being difficult, so for some reason nothing was posting (and if I write all this and it doesnt post I will be having a BF)

Also, I decided earlier that I would choose a title based on the lyrics of whatever was playing on my iPod when I finished the post. Quite apropriately, its Love Man by Otis Reading, so thats what I am sticking at the top.

Enjoy your weekend guys.

Ry

Broken Bones

Hello all. It’s been a few days. A very eventful few days. I have a broken wrist and nose. Bad times. A guy went crazy with a bat outside the station and I took it to the wrist and an elbow to the face so I have been recovering for a few days with a little bit of extra TLC from Jay, hence the lack of bloggage. The plus side is I have extra leave, so an extra 8 days of holiday. Can’t really complain about that I guess. It does mean that I will be out of rugby for the next two months though which really pisses me off. Maybe the sympathy vote will get me some extra christmas presents to cheer me up.

People keep looking at me in the street like I am a thug. My nose is plastered across my face and I have two black eyes. I probably shouldnt have gone out in my hoody I guess. I’m kinda proud of my war wounds though, which is totally stupid. The doctor who saw to me was gorgeous!! Well worth the pain.

Jay took me to the cinema this week. I let him choose the film and he went for Law Abiding Citizen. It wouldnt have been my choice and I thought it was going to be shit, but it was actually pretty good. Plus, Gerard Butler in his birthday suit is not altogether offputting.

Jay is going away tonight until monday. I’m already missing him. I am going to see him for a little bit this evening before he goes though which is something to look forward to I guess. We have an action packed week set for next week because after next weekend I am going home and he goes away the night before I come back, so we wont see each other for nearly three weeks. That’s going to be horrible.

Anyways, I am going to keep this short because it is a ballache to type, and nothing else has really happened this week and there aint no point talking for the sake of it. Hope you all have had a good week. Drop by and say hi.

Ry.

Oh, forgot to add. I spoke to Shane about the whole baby thing. It didnt start off too well, but I explained my reservations and how now wasn’t a good time for me. She was really pissed off at first, but the more I spoke, the more I think she realised that it was a big thing to ask of me. I tried to turn it slightly to get her to think about whether it was even the right time for her and I think it got her thinking about her situation. Her girlfriend is a nobhead for one, which I pointed out to her, and mainly, that a baby is for life, not just for christmas. Or at least something to that effect. So for the time being all plans are on hold and things are fine between us. Gotta be pleased with that result.

Peace out.

Ry

Pain In The Neck

Awwwww I’m in pain! Had a brutal morning at work. We had some drunken thug come in causing a scene and in his struggle to do a runner, I ended up pinned underneath him. He wasnt particularly heavy, but on the way down I caught the back of my neck on the filing cabinet and now it keeps clicking. The AO was trying to get me to wear a neck brace which was quite funny. I don’t think it is that bad, just a bit sore and I was complaining that it wouldnt go with the uniform. Its all about the accessories after all.

Had a lovely evening with Jay last night. I met him from work and he dragged me around town looking for ways to spend his money. I wouldnt have minded but he didnt end up buying anything and I was itching to splash out, but I have put the Visa into retirement until after christmas. We went back to his and he made me dinner and we just chilled out watching some tv and whatnot. I dont know why I dont just say we had sex. I must be starting to become a prude. I keep substituting the word sex for ‘whatnot’. There I go on another tangent….

Jay keeps asking to come over to mine but I am putting it off. He knows why. Its Smelly Gav. Jay says he doesnt mind but I dont want him to come over and have to sit in the stink if Gav happens to be home. Gav has to go away to work for a few days next week so maybe Jay can come over then. I’ve finally taken a stand against the mess as well. I did a massive clean on Sunday, top to bottom. Everything was sparkly and fresh. Once it was all done I told everyone that it was the last time I was going to do it, and so now I am just sitting down and watching the mess pile up. Lets see how long it takes before they get sick of it.

Two weeks today I am going away. I am going back to my mums over christams. I haven’t been home for ten months so I can’t wait to catch up with everyone. The longer I leave it, the more drinks people buy me when we go out, so I should have a few cheap nights this christmas. I talk about drinking a lot. I actually hardly do it, I just seem to have lots of drink fuelled stories. I am going to be hone for 8 days, which isnt very long, but all I can get off from work. It sucks though because the day before I get back, Jay is going away and so I wont be seeing him until the 3rd of January. We have lots of things planned in the run up to me going to my mums though, so it’s not all bad.

I dont know what to do with myself today. I was going to go to the gym, but I dont have the drive to get up and go. I’ve been dead lazy the last few days. Think I’ve only been 4 times in the last week or so. I have to try and go twice as much in the next few weeks so that I can pig out when I go home because my mother always accuses me of not eating properly and tries fattening me up like a prize pig, so I figure if I put the work in before I go home, it wont have such a bad effect on my waistline. I sound really pretentious, but I spent a fortune on new jeans last week and I am determined to be able to still fit in them in the new year.

Tonight I am meeting up with Shane to tell her my feelings on the whole baby thing. I spent ages trying to work out how I can get out of it, then it dawned on me that all I can do is be honest about my reservations and hope that she is ok with it. In the 20 years we have known each other, we have only ever had one real arguement, so I think we are solid enough that things wont get out of hand. I will update everyone on the progress of that one anyways.

I am going out this weekend and I can’t wait. I havent been out for the last three Saturdays and it has been doing my head in. Well, with the exception of last Saturday, which I spent in bed with Jay. that was pretty awesome. But yea, this Saturday is my friend Wez’s birthday. Its his 22nd. Well it isnt, it’s his 27th, but he stopped at 22 and so we keep having 22nd birthdays for him. I dont know why he chose 22. Its a bit random, but hey ho. Some people are just a little bit odd I guess.

Ry

Goodbye Mr A

Just for a bit of fun, I am adding a random song questionnaire thingy to my blog. A friend sent it to me ages ago and I thought I would finally fill it out and share it. You should do the same. Copy it to your blogs so I can read. Go on, indulge me.

1. Put your iPod (itunes) on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY? Single – Natasha Beddingfield
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY? Take Your Mama – Scissor Sisters
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? Coming Up Easy – Paolo Nutini
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE? Old Before I Die – Robbie Williams
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? Womanizer – Britney Spears
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? Say What You Want – Texas
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? Konichiwa Bitches – Robyn
WHAT IS 2+2? Freak Like Me – Sugababes
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? – Beautiful – Christina Aguilera
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE? I Begin To Wonder – Dannii Minogue
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? Fell In Love With A Boy – Joss Stone (ha figures)
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WHEN YOU GROW UP? Runaway – Pink
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? Scared Of You – Nelly Furtado
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? Lies – The Saturdays
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? Pass That Dutch – Missy Elliot
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? Gold Digger – Kanye West (they better not lol)
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? Lost Cat – Catatonia
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET? The Boys Of Summer – DJ Sammy
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? Love It When You Call – The Feeling
WHAT’S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN? Talkin’ Bout A Revolution – Tracy Chapman
HOW WILL YOU DIE!? Stoned In Love – Tom Jones
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY? Piano Man – Billy Joel
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED? Won’t Go Home Without You – Maroon 5
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST? Sunday Rain – Sugababes
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU? Loser Kid – Busted
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE? Red Red Wine – UB40
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW? Strange Glue – Catatonia
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS? Goodbye Mr A – Hoosiers

Well that cured 5 minutes of boredom. Feel free to ignore this post completely

Bringing Up Baby

Hello there everyone. Had a quiet few days on the blogging front. So will give you all a little update of my weekend before getting onto the big topic of today.

Friday started with me playing mediator between a group of my friends who all seemed to have a mass falling out. It started over a game of rugby, with two of them arguing, which then escelated into people taking sides, insults being thrown and now about 8 of them aint talking to each other. All of them were texting and ringing me to try and sort things out and I tried, but then I ended up falling into an arguement with someone aswell. It was all very childish so I have left them all to sort it out for themselves.

Friday evening I went over to Jay’s. I met him off the train when he finished work and we went back to his, where I stayed until this morning. I wont fill you in on all the gory details, but it was a brilliant weekend. Its the first time I guess that we have managed to spend a considerable amount of time together in one go without one of us having to run off to work or something. He is really starting to open up a lot more which is good, and he even woke me up to breakfast in bed which was pretty awesome. I could get used to that. He didnt want me to leave today, and I didnt want to either, but I had stuff I had to sort out at home, or I would still be there with him now. I am meeting him tomorrow once I finish work and we are just going to have some chill out time together. Dont you just love it at the start of a new relationship when everything is new and exciting?

So, on to the main point of todays blog. I have been meaning to write about this for a few days, but have been thinking things over in my head. One of my best friends in the whole wide world is Shane (that girl with a guys name I spoke about before). Well Shane is a lesbian and has been with her girlfriend for about 4 years. I dont particularly like her, but Shane does, so you kinda just have to play nice. Anyways, they have decided that they want a baby. And they want me to donate some of the ingredients.

I have always said to Shane that I would do it. I guess though that a part of me never thought she would ask, and even if she did, I figured I would be mid thirties before she called me up for service and now I dont know what to do. On one hand, I would do anything for her. She has always been there for me and I know that she has asked me because she loves and trusts me above all others. But on the other hand, I am only 24 and I dont really know if it is a responsibility that I want. She has been very specific about the fact that they wouldnt want anything from me in terms of parentage or money, but she is my best friend, and I dont know if I am ready to be in a position where I see her everyday with what is, I suppose, my kid. How do you detatch yourself from those feelings, and are you even meant too?

If I am honest, I dont think I really want to do it. At least not right now. But I think that if I say no to her then I might be fucking up our friendship. On the surface I know she would say she understands and it is ok, but deep down I know it would be devestating for her because I dont think there is anyone else she could really ask. I just dont know what to do, and I have been thinking it over for a few days, but still have no clue. Its my sperm, but without the sex would it technically be my kid? I always figured that if the time came when she asked, then I would be older, and more willing to have some sort of an active role, but I dont want to have a kid and if I did it now it would seem like nothing more than sort of business transaction or something. What I dont want is to be in a position where I cant shake off the feelings that I have a kid, and then have to watch as I have nothing more to do with it. She has put no pressure on me to say yes, but know that it is kind of expected of me. How do I tell her that I dont want to do it?

Ry